Forgiveness
My belief is that we all have a theme in our lives that guides and protects us. It is helpful to identify and recognise that theme. This is not easy. One’s theme may be the ‘mothership’ with satellites splintering into smaller themes. For example, ‘I am not worthy of love’ may splinter into, ‘I am not good enough and I don’t deserve happiness’.
It took me until my early 50s to find my theme. It was a profound moment, a breakdown of my defense mechanisms, and created an unusual display of public grief. Forgiveness is the golden thread that weaves through my life— forgiveness for others, but mostly for myself. The hardest person to forgive is always yourself. For me It is a painful reminder of how I want to show up in the world, how I really show up, and the gaps in between. Unforgiveness creates an emotional residue I carry with me, an invisible glue that attaches itself to everyone and everything I touch.
My Brutal Lesson
My most brutal lesson in forgiveness was my relationship with my adopted daughter. I didn’t lose her to death; I lost her to countless choices and destructive behaviours—reasons I don’t understand. And that was my lesson. In order to forgive her, and myself, I had to let go of trying to find the answer to ‘why’. The ‘why’ was not part of forgiving. Forgiving was to let go of trying to find answers, receive apologies, or just understand. Only when I was prepared to move beyond my need to understand could I start with the process of forgiveness.
For me, forgiveness is a daily choice, some days better than others. Time does not heal the unbearable, gut-wrenching pain of loss; it is the processing that helps with healing. I have learned that forgiveness is essential for healing. It may feel that life is like a ‘snakes and ladders’ game—some days the throw of the dice is good, and you move up the ladder. Other days, the throw of the dice produces a regurgitation of emotion. Forgiveness is about recognising all of those emotions, and then deciding which to let go of.
I try to remember these words:
“It is dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly, child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.” —Aldous Huxley
